I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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