Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
