theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
