I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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