I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
