I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
