guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
