Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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