Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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