I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
