I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
