Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
