How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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