Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
