Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
