Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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