I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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