Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
