I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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