Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
