Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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