Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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