Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
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