I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
