Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
