What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
