She said her name was "party"
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
