Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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