sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Someone came in the potted fern
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
