Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
