K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
