It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
