Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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