Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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