CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
