shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
