I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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