Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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