Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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