I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
