i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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