just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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