i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
