your room smells of hookers.
And success
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
