His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Pants are for mortals
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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