Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
