Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
