Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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