so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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