A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
