I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
